Revelation.
They are depicted in cartoons with a light bulb suddenly appearing over a character's head. A sudden realization, often of something that is quite obvious after this moment. Like those close up pictures that seem familiar but not quite. Then when the big picture is revealed, you can't understand how you didn't get it.
I've had a couple of those recently. The circumstances could not have been much more different, but they both were very good moments. I imagine, if you had taken a picture at just the right second, you would have seen the light bulb atop my head, glowing brightly. With quite a reflection, as some of you would add anyway.
The first came a few weeks ago during my weekly domestic violence class. If you don't know that story, ask. Or stay tuned and perhaps I'll tell you here. Either way, as part of the intake for this class I took a psychological profile. This turned up one totally obvious trait and one that is obvious now that I've had my light bulb moment with it. The obvious one is schizoid tendencies. As horrible as that sounds, it basically means I like my alone time. Nothing surprising there.
The second is compulsion. One half of obsessive-compulsive. That makes it sound worse than it is though. Obsessive means, in my uneducated lingo, too much. Doing something too much or focusing on something too much. Compulsive is liking or needing order. So obsessive-compulsive means that you try again and again to make sure everything is the way you want it. Or check 25 times that you actually did turn off the oven before going to bed. Again, these are my definitions.
Having just 1/2 of that, and I think not a bad 'case' of that isn't too bad. An example: Whenever I'd sit down at our computer, I would adjust many items on the desk to be just right. If someone had moved something, it irritated me. I complained that everyone should just leave stuff alone. Now that I know why I was feeling that, it is very easy to just not worry about it. Not sure why it was that easy. Just how my brain works. Keeping psychologists guessing. I still don't like that stuff is constantly missing in our house, but I deal with it much better than before.
The other flash of light occurred last night, or more accurately, this morning. In my world, since I had not yet been to sleep, it was last night. Makes it easier to think I'm just staying up a little late those times I don't go to bed until 2 or 3 or later in the AM. It's cool to see sunrise once in a while.
I was chatting with a friend on Facebook, a recent obsession of mine and my wife's (though not in the clinical sense), and the conversation wasn't really meant to be a counselling session. The subject of psychology came up and my friend informed me of the existence of a psychological condition with which a person fears reacting incorrectly in social situations. If you already read the 'Alone.' post, you have read an example of this. I didn't realize until last night that it was its own thing and is not the typical fear of being in front of a crowd. I used to manage about 40 employees and had no trouble stepping up in front of them and talking. I also never had a fear of making speeches in school. So my avoidance of social situations, whenever I can, is a result of this condition. I wonder how much I saved on psychiatrists. I'll have to send my friend a check I suppose.
Now I have to figure out what to do with this information. It seems to me that this isn't as easy for me to adjust to as my compulsion. According to my friend, the two paths of treatment are either a gradual change/ramping-up of social contacts to gradually adjust and realize that I won't react incorrectly every time someone speaks to me or a sort of shock treatment, being exposed to a huge amount of social interaction and adjusting/learning as instantly as possible. How about neither. I'll just keep on keeping to myself.
The odd thing for me is that my brain, which should be in control of most of my behavior, knows that very few people will care how I react in social situations. As I said in the previous post, I know most will forget whatever I did within moments if they even notice when I do whatever I do. Much like taking better care of oneself with better eating and sleeping and exercises habits. We all know we should do better, but very few of us do. Smokers know they are killing themselves. That's been proven again and again. But they keep doing it.
I think I will ask our marriage counselor for some suggestions. Now that I've diagnosed my own problem. Something the five or six trained professionals I've talked to about my odd mind haven't figured out. Something that could have helped my life a long time ago. Better late than never I suppose. Life goes on. A penny saved is one too many cliche's.
